My husband and I have been together for close to nine years. We met young and we have two children. We had a difficult period and we were separated for a few months. There was a lot of reflection and I missed it. I expressed this and we reconnected late last year.
Something was going on with someone else during this time. I’m not sure of the details but she makes me feel insecure as she will be in our lives a lot. Yesterday, I found messages between them. I asked her about it and she lied to me. Avoidance and deflection are his usual reactions whenever I ask questions. I feel like I’m on eggshells again.
I love him and I don’t want to be without him, but I feel so unworthy. He says that he loves me, but I’m noticing little problems and he’s getting distant. I broke down during the time we were apart, trying to stay strong for the kids, but by the time they went to bed I was a mess. I don’t want them to lose his father and I want this to work. My friends are angry and tell me that I am strong enough to do it, but they don’t understand. I can’t really talk to anyone about this.
You are light on details here. I don’t know why this “someone else” will continue to exist. Also, why did her husband want to get back together? I don’t know how he felt about the separation or your return.
What I do What I know is that you left the marriage because you were unhappy and uncomfortable, and now that you’re back, so is misery. You’re walking on eggshells, and every time you suspect he’s lying, you feel worse about yourself.
If they parted forever, it would be hard again. But your kids shouldn’t have to be without their dad. People co-parent, and as the child of divorced parents, I can tell you that stressed-out, unhappily married parents can be harder to be with than two people building healthy, independent lives.
Your friends know your strength; you’ve done this once and you can do it again. There may be more tears, but maybe the pain will lead to a happier life. Also, now that she has tried the marriage again, more questions have been answered. You know this wasn’t fixed by just a quick break.
This is a good time to find a couples counselor to help you take the next steps. Maybe her husband will be more honest if there is a third party helping everyone. It might be easier to figure out the real options: what a co-parenting situation would look like. You can also discuss your limits: who you want to be with and what to avoid right now.
If you feel like you can’t trust the people closest to the marriage, let a professional try to help you. Make that your next call.
Readers? Thoughts on going back to something not so great?