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I have been dating this guy for a little over five years. He definitely has some narcissistic tendencies and a problem with jealousy. I set a line with him about it, and he broke up with me. So he immediately changed his mind. He’s done this at least a dozen times, and I get bored with his tantrums. We didn’t live together for a long time, so it was easy to go home or ask him to leave.
We would go long periods without any problems and then something would blow everything up. For example, on a vacation we took with her teenage son, she accidentally left the keys in our rental car. This man threw a full-blown tantrum, insulting his son and referring to previous problems that had nothing to do with the current situation.
I sold my house and against my better judgment moved my stuff into his house but he and I have had so many fights in the last two months that I finally packed up and moved into a hotel with my dog until I can find a place to buy or rent (I wanted to downsize my big house anyway, so I don’t regret that). My stuff is still in place, but I’m inclined to leave it behind. I’m so excited to start a new chapter and I wish I could do it without causing an explosion. I know I’m a serial dater. In my 50+ years I have had dozens of relationships, short and long. He too. Any advice for someone like me in this situation?
– Leave it behind
Looks like you’ve made your decision. Good for you. You’re going to end the relationship, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to him at this point. You are already in a hotel.
Your letter seems to be about ending the relationship and whether you should leave your belongings. Do not abandon your things to avoid conflicts. You can have a phone conversation with him about your intentions (break up, etc.). If he throws a tantrum, you can end the call and send a follow-up email with details about what happens next.
If he can handle basic communication, you can find a time to pick up his stuff when he won’t be there. He can also send moving companies to pick things up. There’s an app called Onward (disclosure: I’m aware of it, but haven’t used it) that was created to help organize breakups: moving people’s stuff out of their old residences and helping them find storage and new housing. Really, I would imagine that most moving companies have figured out how to move things without conflict.
That is my advice. Make it clear that this is a break up, grab your things and put them away while you figure out what’s next. You are excited to move on. Let it be.
–Meredith
Readers? Leave things behind? How does LW avoid more tantrums?
