Monica Jackson

a>

What Happens

The Escalation of Violence

He's getting angry and you know it. He's calling you names, throwing, hitting and breaking things. He's threatening you. Tension builds within you. You know what's coming next.First he may just grab or push you a little. He may physically restrain you with his strength. That's the beginning. It will get worse.He hits you. He pinches you or pulls your arm back until you cry out in pain. He pulls out clumps of hair. He kicks you. It will get worse. He's only using his hands and feet now.Next he'll choke you until you fear for your life. He'll beat you with a stick or another hard object, maybe a baseball bat. He uses weapons against you. He rapes you. He puts you in the hospital with grievous injuries.He may kill you.

Will He Kill You?

Assessing Whether Batterers Will Kill

If any of the following behaviors are evident, you're in extreme danger. Immediately get support, plan for the safety of yourself and your children and take action.

1. Threats of homicide or suicide
A batterer who has threatened to commit suicide or to kill his or her partner, children, relatives or others (including police officers) must be considered extremely dangerous.

2. Fantasies of homicide or suicide
The more detailed the plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk.

3. Weapons
Access to weapons increases the potential for lethal assault by batterers who have threatened to or have used weapons in past assaults. Fire should be considered a weapon.

4. “Ownership” of the battered partner
A batterer may believe that the victim has no right to a life separate from that of the batterer. If the batterer believes in absolute entitlement to his or her partner and to his or her services, obedience and loyalty -- no matter what – the batterer is likely to be life endangering. He says things like:

*“If I ever catch you with another man, I’ll kill both of     you.”
*“Death before divorce.”
*“You belong to me, and you will never belong to     another.”

5. Obsessing about partner or family
If the batterer idolizes his or her partner, depends heavily on him or her, or has isolated himself or herself from all other community, the batterer may feel justified in lethal retaliation if his or her partner decides to end the relationship.

6. Separation violence
If the batterer can’t envision life without his or her partner, or if the separation causes him or her great despair or rage, the batterer may choose to kill. In many cases, this is where stalking begins -- stalking puts the batterer back in control. These are some of the characteristics of a domestic stalker.”

*Poisons or kills victim’ s pets.
*Telephones anonymous threats.
*Harasses.
*Wages psychological warfare against the victim.
* Exhibits hyper macho exterior to hide feelings of    inferiority.
*Insists on dominance.
* Believes that a tortured relationship is better than no    relationship.
*Comes from an abusive childhood.
*Cannot take responsibility for own actions.
*Has actions that are shrewd and often untraceable.
*Is a control freak.
*Can be easily stressed.

7. Depression
If acutely depressed and feels little hope of recovery, a batterer may be a candidate for homicide or suicide. Research shows that men who are hospitalized for depression have homicidal fantasies directed at family members.

8. Access to the victim and/or to a family member
If the batterer cannot find the woman or children, then the batterer cannot harm them. Careful safety planning and police assistance are required for those times when contact is required, e.g., court appearances and custody exchanges.

9. Hostage-taking Of all hostage situations in the U.S., 75-90% are domestic violence related. In situa
tions where the hostage-taker knows the hostage, the risk of death to the hostage is increased.

10. Escalation of Batterer Risk (violence outside the home)
If batterer exhibits a sharp escalation of personal risk – acting without regard to legal or social consequences that once constrained his or her violence -- chances of lethal assault increase significantly. For example, if a man abuses his wife in public, he is not concerned about what others think -- if that is the case, what is he doing at home?

11. Previous contacts with police
Cases of domestic homicide almost always include a history of violence. Prior calls to the police indicate an elevated risk of lethality.

12. Drug and Alcohol Consumption
Although studies show that substance abuse does not cause domestic abuse, consumption when in a state of despair or fury can elevate the risk of lethality.

13. Other Danger Signals

* increase in frequency and severity of abuse
* choking of victim to unconsciousness
*forced sex
*battering during pregnancy
*cruelty to pets
*violence towards children.

STATISTIC-When abusers hit or break objects or make threats, almost 100% resort to battering.

FACT-Every year, there are more women beaten by a spouse or intimate partner than are injured in auto accidents, rapes and muggings combined.

STATISTIC-One study showed that 30% of all women presenting with injuries in an emergency department were identified as having injuries caused by a battering.

FACT: one in three women in a battering relationship are raped. There are two kinds of rape in domestic violence--one, with weapons; and two, she submits out of fear--that is she were to say "No" he would get angry and beat her.

What if you conclude your life is in danger? Take extraordinary measures to protect yourself and your children Get support Call for assistance and referral to people in your area who can immediately help you implement a plan for your safety National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) 800-787-3224 (TDD) www.ndvh.org 1-800-END-ABUSE (363-2287)Battered Women’s Justice Project (800) 903-0111RE: Health concerns related to battering Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence 1-888-Rx-ABUSE (792-2873)RE: specifically your children (usually an urgent concern) National Resource Center on Child Protection/Custody (800) 527-3223 Look in your local yellow pages under "social services" and call a help line or agency that helps women for referrals and assistance. Make a safety plan I cannot emphasize how important it is for you to make a carefully considered plan before you take action to minimize your danger. Click here for a form. Take action Don't procrastinate, hesitate, or minimize your danger. Your live is more important than anything else. Get support and follow up on the advice of people who deal with this every day. Help is available.

How Do You Know When He's Truly Willing to Change? Women often love these men they've married and still long for their love and acceptance. Hope allows her to forgive her abuser. Remember actions not words are what count. The following are the signs of true reform He accepts responsibility for his violence. He goes into treatment without you. He goes into treatment with no strings attached. If he says, "I'll go if you will come back," this is in effort to regain control of you.

More Facts and StatisticsIn 95% of all reported domestic assaults, the female is the victim and the male is the perpetrator.Seventy-three percent of domestic homicides occur after the victim has left the perpetrator Over one-fourth of all homicides of women are domestic violence related.

It is dangerous to leave a batterer without careful planning. It is dangerous to take half measures. But leaving can be done and it has to be done. There are resources to help you leave the violence and start a new life somewhere else. How He Gets You To Forgive Him 1. Honeymoon Syndrome: also known as "Hearts and Flowers" any bribe that will get her to return to him. 2. Super Dad Syndrome: he tells her that he will be a great dad if she returns. This works especially if he has neglected the kids in the past. 3. Revival Syndrome: this is not really a valid revival or salvation since he has probably only gone to church only a few times. "I have been going to church every Sunday since you left." I have accepted Christ into my life." He puts the responsibility for his battering on God. 4. Sobriety Syndrome: "If he can stop drinking he will stop beating me" Drinking does not cause beating--if it did, then they would beat strangers on the street. 5. Counseling Syndrome: "I have gone to counseling, I won't do it anymore." Long term counseling is needed and less than 1% voluntarily go into counseling. Common Characteristics of Battered Women The stereotypical abused woman is low class, poor and not-too-bright. Nothing could be further from the truth. Abuse happens across all socioeconomic lines, in all races and cultures. No one is immune. But she may: Common Characteristics of the Batterer The stereotypical abuser is usually lower class, unemployed, or a drunk or drug user. The fact is that anyone can be a batterer. Women are also not immune to outbursts of violence. The difference is that statistics overwhelmingly show that it's the men doing the killing. He may: Have low self esteem Believe all the myths about battering relationships Be a traditionalist believing in male supremacy and the stereotyped masculine sex role in the family Blame others for his actions Be pathologically jealous Present a dual personality Have severe stress reactions during which he as an excuse to lose control Frequently uses sex as an act of aggression to enhance his self-esteem May not believe his violent behavior should have negative consequences RWA Press Release Facing A Familiar Place Domestic violence: What Happens The Terrible Danger of Leaving. . . or Staying What To Do: The Safety Plan

© 2007 Monica Jackson